I thought my jehan perished in the last battles to defend our old kingdom with King Khan. He demanded that Pigeon take me far from the fight to keep me safe. As if I hadn't passed the Trials and earned my place as Tribune. I should have been there enjoying the bloodshed too.

Then, one day while I was waddling around at the shopping place before the tartlings came, I saw a giant bear of a man who was wearing my jehan's face! Of course, I marched right over, told him that face didn't belong to him, and tried to claw it off. Turns out, it was my jehan and he wouldn't let hit him again, though I tried. How dare he still be alive! He never once tried to find me! I wanted to be angry, but as I was curing at him in our native tongue, he started to cry at seeing me and my fatness. It made me cry too, so we had a cheeseburger.

A long, long time ago, an odd man who used to be one of us until he was kidnapped as a child and taken to Chi'pan and Jai'na, returned to our homeland when he was grown. I had to take him into my care because he was so strange. Always singing and doing weird bird dances that he said was a form of meditation. I named him Pigeon, and in return he started calling me Pie. Because apparently Tarts are pastries and pies are pastries too.

I tried to teach him our ways, but he continued to follow the path of leaves and water, something he called "The Way". I'm not sure where "the way" is going, but it doesn't seem to be leading anywhere. All I know is he often mumbo jumbos me with crazy sayings and talks about touching cheese...Pigeon says it's spelled 'Chi'.

My jehan made a deal with King Khan that I would marry King Khan's younger brother who vanished without a word or trace. I assume he died. That's when Pigeon said he was overwhelmed with my awesomeness and expressed an interest in being considered as my mate. Eventually I claimed him and took his squiggles so that others knew to no longer try and woo me.

A while ago, I demanded that Pigeon make me fat. I peed on so many sticks before one of them finally worked right. Pigeon said it was unsual to have more than one at a time, so of course I had to prove that it wasn't that hard. I told him to make me fatter and then I had two tartlings in me. Even then it took forever for my belly to grow, but it did and I was extra fat! Nine months later, I gave birth to the tartlings. One girl and one boy.

Apparently we're not supposed to label them because it will make them be a boy and a girl. Which is silly. Nature decided they were a boy and a girl by giving them those parts. (Pigeon says I can't write the proper terms here.) I don't see why it matters though. They're both going to have tiny little swords and tiny little shields to play with, and if the boy tartling wants his hair braided, he can. It's wise to keep one's hair out of their face to see the enemies coming, you know?

Anyways, I am the jehana of our tartlings. They are far superior to the children my jehan just had with his new sister concubines. Those greylings are all pink and squally.

I had a brilliant idea to take ownership of the land Pigeon and I were living on in Montana before we were summoned to King Khan. We were doing all the care for it and I don't like living in big cities, so it only made sense. King Khan advised that it was owned by Uncle Sam and it would be a fight to take it from him. I've decided to pursue the formation of Tart-tana in a more clever manner first. I'm going to buy up all the land until we own the majority then use that as leverage against Uncle Sam. Eris (the insane redhead who is married to the blacksmith and blows things up with glee), supports me and when the day comes, she's going to lend her craziness (and war machines) to my cause. For now, we are setting up base camp in Denver as the start of my sovereign nation.