“Ye dunnae what it be like, to be a proud Scottish man when most of yer Scottish history be mostly about getting the shit kicked outta ye bya buncha lousy redcoats. Or, hells bells, mebbe ye do, since you yanks ‘ave been there a time or two, yeh?

Anyways, pardon the brief digression there. So, I’m a Highlander, and no, not the sword wielding immortal kind, though interestingly enough there is a Clan McLeod, but as a piece o’advice, don’t be askin them about immortals, it makes ‘em proper angry. So, right, a Highlander, born and bred Scottish lad. I was in Scotland for a long bit, and in what ye call High School, I met a girl. Zelda. God, what a woman. But, I didnae have the stones to ask her out, and she was hooked up with this other bloke, who was a bit of a prat, maybe even a buftie. So, I ran off the church. More about that in a mite.

Lemme back up a bit. My mum and my da were always a mite bite upset with me ye see. I was a bit of a bad boy. I got okay marks in schoolin, but also preferred to be doing sports, a bit of proper football, not what you yanks call football, track an’ field. And when I wasn’t running or clubbing someone over the head, I was chasing after th’burds. Well, all o’that stopped when Zelda popped into m’life. And by the time I realized I’d lost her, we’ll we’d already gone down friend-ville and I was firmly stuck in th’friend zone, ya ken?

So, whats a poor lad ta do? Well, Ink and all, I ran off to the Church. Problem was, I never been one for really takin orders ya ken, and the poor lads were a mite put out by my attitude. But, by God, I made it through, got educated and took m’final vows. That was when the trouble really got started. See, I didnae want to settle down in some parish and eke out m’days doing charitable works and deliverin homily’s. The lads in the Church didnae like that much, and m’Father Superior recommended a different path for me: Exorcism.

See, the Church has gotten more and more requests for exorcisms nowadays than it did back in th’dark ages. So off ta Rome to get more training as an Exorcist. Part o’ that training included psychology and medicine, so in some ways I’ma doctor, head shrinker, AND an Exorcist. So I got the training, with some help from some passed on mates, and then I got m’self into some proper hot water. I tol’ a Cardinal (a big Catholic muckety-muck ya ken?) that he was a feckin flamer and that he should no be tellin me to avoid women whilst he was chasin’ after some lads. Now, I don’ have a problem with a bit of buggery, but he would not let it go, and those priestly folks are a bit sensitive bout their proclivities. Heh.

So. The good cardinal worked hard to get me tossed out of the Church, but m’Father Superior stepped in again, God bless ‘im. Instead of being kicked out, I was released from most of the vows, and sanctioned by the Church to travel around as a Bonafide Exorcista. Now I can has all the burd I wants, and can even marry, so long as it’s a nice Catholic girl. I gotta check in periodically with the Church hierarchy, but otherwise I gets ta travel the world on the Churches dime, get paid a decent amount of money for my efforts, and I can put m’talents to good use.

So, there I was a few months back mindin m’own affairs when that red-headed seductress Zelda gave me a ring and said she needed some help with a family issue. Now, I’ve always been a sucker for a damsel in distress, so what did I do? Did I say “Nah. But good luck to yeh?” No. I hopped the first plane and wound up in Yankee Doodle Country. Turns out, she has some kin that be under some curse of some sort, and after a good bit of research I figured out that the curse originated with a very angry woman who ended up being buried in Denver. Which was convenient cuz that’s where her kin ended up movin and where we need ta get to in order to try and break this curse.

So here I be, here be Zelda. God she looks good, better than when we was in school. I wonder if I got a shot this time 'round."